Merman Prophecies
by Vjix
Summary: The legend of Mer-man, king of Atlantea! This saga documents his journey after the series He-man ended.
1. Chapter 1

In the depths of time, in the galaxy of Eternia, on the planet of Eternia, there lived Mer-man, King of Atlantea. The famed destroyer of sharks, pronounced like Herman, servant of Keldor who transformed into Skeletor. This is his legend.

After Hordak's defeat at the palace of Eternia, when he was destroyed and his legion crumbled, Mer-man and his new dark master Skeletor's evil reign was beginning. Skeletor had promised Mer-man great power in exchange for his loyalty, which he paid in full by helping him to become king of Atlantea. Skeletor cast many spells on Mer-man to help him defeat the king in the challenge of the crown. However, The current ruler, Aquanis, was very powerful. Mer-man was uncertain of how effective Skeletor's spells would be, and so he sought what seemed to be his only hope of winning the challenge of the crown: a mysterious alien from a distant galaxy, who rode a space shark. This alien called himself Bowie, and Mer-man had little respect for the Bowie despite his power, because he rode a space shark (Mer-man hated sharks). Mer-man needed his power regardless, and accepted his offer to one day help Bowie destroy his arch-nemesis: Morton Man. Bowie took out his guitar, the fender of immortality, and played for Mer-man the tune of ultimate power that would grant him godlike abilities: Starman! Mer-man harnessed this power, used it to defeat Aquanis, and gained immortality from the legendary scepter of the king, which Aquanis possessed. He swallowed it so that no one could ever rob him of his immortality as easily as he had taken it from Aquanis. Skeletor was much pleased with his powerful new puppet ruler, but fearing his newfound strength he banished Mer-man to Atlantea, only to leave if summoned by Skeletor to fight his enemies. This saga is documented in the factual series, Heman.

The true legend of Mer-man begins after Skeletor's fall, when his spell of banishment was broken and many sharks had been slain by Mer-man. At this point, Mer-man's irrational hatred for sharks had subsided, and Bowie saw his chance. One night when Mer-man was sleeping peacefully in his underwater palace, he heard a trans-galactic tune sung by Bowie, and recognized the strings of the Fender of immortality. It was Starman, that song he had long forgotten, and his power was re-awoken. Bowie was calling him to fight Morton Man, the most powerful being in the galaxy, who's very gaze was corrupting. Mer-man's resolve hardened, and he knew that he had to leave his kingdom to fulfill his agreement. He took a day to say goodbye to his kingdom, from the ocean depths to the orange sky. When he had returned to his throne room, a giant space shark jumped out of the palatial pools of eternity, and Mer-man mounted this shark that would take him to the galaxy of the Milky Way, to the planet of Earth.

It was an excruciatingly long voyage in the primordial void, and was not watery as Mer-man would have liked. The only thing that kept him sane was his collection of David Bowie CD's, but he still occasionally nibbled on the space shark that carried him.

Little is known of that black journey. It may well have taken eons. But at the end of it, just as he reached the Milky Way, the space shark was mostly eaten and died. And so Mer-man drifted in space for time uncounted, listening to David Bowie and bobbing his head.

Mer-man's sanity hung on a gossamer thread, and as he thought his case was hopeless, and despaired in his boredom of David Bowie songs, he drifted into a quasar. Being immortal, this quasar did not kill him, but transported him to the planet Neptune; for it was a Bowie quasar, one of many established by Ziggy Stardust. Mer-man remembered his mission, and made his way from the planet of Neptune to Earth. He could sense Morton Man's presence, and his malignant will was nearly overwhelming. But Starman kept his mind clear, and he thought: "The only mind I'll blow will be Morton Man's!"

Meanwhile, Morton Man was distressed by Mer-man's inevitable arrival, so he commanded his servants to construct devious traps and destructive weapons to prepare for the clash with Mer-man. The entire world was under his duct tape regime, except for a small Bowie resistance cell; This very organization would be Morton Man's undoing. As Mer-man entered low orbit on Earth, the preparations had already been made.

Morton Man had covered the world in Duct Tape already. He had converted 99.99999999994% of the Earth's matter into duct tape, which ate away at him for its mathematical imperfection. There were mountainous spires of duct tape, hate filled structures concealing weapons of terrible power. The duct tape ocean was teeming with poison fish food and sharks, and the sharks had been trained to attack Mer-man, and had fricken laser beams. All the servants of Morton Man were ready to fight the battle of the era. Morton Man oversaw all the efforts from his alcove, and had painted on his face an evil grin.

The situation was hopeless by no means, however. Bowie received aid from an unlikely place: the giant lizards. Morton Man, long ago, had genetically engineered the giant lizards to be his most fearsome servants. But his most foolish servant, Pip, had made a calculation error, and as a result the lizards were bad at math. They refused to wear duct tape as well: they claimed it dried their skin out. They escaped out of Morton Man's laboratories, but he was unworried: they were all females and could not breed. However, Pip had made another grievous error: he mixed frog DNA with the lizard DNA, so the giant lizards could change their gender and still breed! Pip did not tell his master, for it would mean certain death. This is why Morton Man was so shocked when Mer-man landed on Earth and the battle began.

The giant lizards had joined Bowie, and sabotaged Morton Man's heavy weaponry. So when Mer-man landed, he was not destroyed by nuclear weapons and giant porpoises. A bloody battle ensued, when Bowie led the giant lizards against the assimilated servants of Morton Man. Many sharks with laser beams were killed by Mer-man, while Bowie cut through much duct tape with his razor sharp wit. The conflict raged on for months, with both sides taking heavy losses. When Mer-man had finally fought his way to Morton Man's tetrahedral citadel, most of the troops had been lost on both sides, but Bowie and Mer-man still stood fast. Bowie's army and champion Mer-Man were very powerful, and Morton Man was nail-bitingly concerned with the new course of the battle. He commanded his personal servants Pip and Pop to prepare the Morton Man duct tape battle armor: A towering duct tape battle-suit, more than 5 stories tall and powered by chaos math, armed with geometric machine guns, cubic rockets, duct tape webbefiers squared, and much more. As Morton Man's ultimate weapon burst through the roof of his underground fortress, Bowie lost hope, and played a tune of everlasting grief on his fender of immortality. But Mer-man knew he must fight Morton Man, despite his staggeringly powerful new weapon. Mer-man was unaffected by the cubic rockets and geometric machine guns thanks to his immortality, but as he charged at Morton Man the duct tape webbefiers squared taped him to the spot, and Morton Man repeatedly punched and stomped Mer-man with his monstrous arms and legs. The immense pressure caused him to regurgitate the scepter of the king, leaving him vulnerable. Bowie saw this, and before Morton Man could finally crush his opponent, he played that immortal tune: STARMAN!

Morton Man was interrupted mid attack, and lost his balance. Such a shameless display of wonder and mystery was too much for him. As his duct tape legs gave out, he fell backwards, into the gaping maw of the largest of the giant lizards. The duct tape battle-suit was rent asunder at the midpoint! Morton Man's ultimate weapon was annihilated, and him with it. All of his duct tape minions saw this, and after calculating their probability of survival, destroyed themselves. Pip and Pop, both being bad at math, merely panicked and ran deep underground to the emergency duct tape bunker.

But could Morton Man truly be destroyed? Morton Man seemed to be the progenitor of all that is evil, being a creature of pure jealousy, hatred, and greed. Could one ever truly rid the universe of evil? These questions haunted Mer-man.

Bowie played songs of celebrations, and the lizards tried their best to convert all the duct tape back into lizard excrement, in the hope that something might grow again. Mer-man said something in a gargled voice about sharks and the meaning of life, but no one understood him. There was a week-long feast and celebration, but all they had to eat was maple-syrup flavored duct tape. Nonetheless there was much rejoicing, and though the festivities were lizard-oriented, they all enjoyed listening to David Bowie's fender of immortality, and Mer-man's philosophical discourse. As the feast drew to an end, Bowie announced that he was leaving earth: "Ziggy Stardust must go to the Andromeda galaxy, to play for some groovy ladies!" And so Earth was left to the giant lizards, and Bowie sent Mer-man back to his home in Atlantea.

There was something, however, that none of them knew: in the emergency underground duct tape bunker, Morton Man mark II was preprogrammed and waiting. As Mer-man was entering the trans-galactic beam that would take him to his home, a gray figure moved and a sticky hand grasped his fin, but he was already gone in the beam before Bowie could do anything. Bowie thought, "That is a battle Mer-man will have to fight for himself, I can't keep those groovy Andromeda babes waiting."


	2. Chapter 2

THE STORY OF MORTON MAN

It all started in 1892, with the release and international popularity of Men Without Hats' single: Safety dance. The governments of the world all decided that it would be in the best interests of the people if they never knew that it was actually 90 years earlier when this song was made. All copies and references to the song were destroyed in the Great War, which was actually fought over this controversy. Few know this, because of the terrible evil of this story, and its metaphysical implications. It would destroy any mortal mind if not told properly. Here's that story now, with the mind-bending parts cloaked by the diamond ray of disappearance.

It began with Safety Dance and Iban Borofunk, the lead singer for MWH, who was born Quebecian but of Ukrainian descent. He had stolen the song from a 3-year-old Ziggy Stardust, the very talented space alien/musician. (Ziggy had by age 2 (42 quantum years) received international acclaim for his lullaby: Goodnight, Moon, which was later turned into a popular children's book.) Safety Dance made it big, topping ye old charts and selling many many copies.

Iban Borofunk and the MWH squared (they added the squared to further capitalize on Stardust' popularity, since he used complex chaos math in his early music) were on top of the world. Safety Dance was topping ye old charts for many a fortnight, and everybody was loving it. They spent many Malibu nights out on the town, drinking with the old chaps in the saloons, smoking opium, eating Ukrainian delicacies, and having crazy party girls show their ankles all the time. But the MWH squared was dancing far too safely in the shadow of Safety Dance's newfound popularity. They did not get any attention for their real work, and the money from Safety Dance soon ran out. There would be no more crazy parties with bare ankles and Ukrainian delicacies for the MWH squared.

But Iban couldn't give up the one hit wonder lifestyle. He abandoned his band mates, thinking they were the problem, and started a solo act based on the same mathematical principles, though square rooted so as to remove the squared (reverting the name back to MWH). This act continued on for nearly a century, leaving Iban utterly destitute and mentally unsound.

What was originally a drive to create great music with the MWH was corrupted by the theft of the Safety Dance, and when it became the MWH again it became something entirely different for Iban: an unquenchable thirst for power and mathematical perfection (especially that of sales). Iban had long been a grim and pernicious vessel for ill-will when he re-released the Safety Dance, which once again placed him on top. He enjoyed the Malibu party life once again in 1982 because of this, but just as before the good times were not to last. The success of Safety Dance was quickly eclipsed by Ziggy Stardust's memorable repertoire, completing Iban's crushing defeat and Bowie's vengeance. Ziggy was quoted as saying, "I wouldn't even let him do my instrumental work! Such a sad spot of tea, that wanker."

In the wake of these brutal failures, and despite the persevering, burning malice within him, Iban's body was spent; pure will alone was not enough to preserve his essence any longer. He knew of only one way to live on and avenge himself: he had to take a new form, as Bowie did so easily. Though he knew his time was running out, he didn't know how this could be done. His quest for the solution was brief, leading him to an abandoned office supply retailer. He was wandering through this abandoned office supply retailer as he pondered the various possibilities. As he stumbled around his vision grew blurry, his limbs weary, and he finally collapsed on the check-out counter. Iban closed his eyes, knowing that the end was very near now, his breathing growing shallower just as his musical career had.

Suddenly he heard a strange voice speaking, "Odelay! This is not where it's at!" There was a pause, and a sound of approaching footsteps, "Oh, hello there my loser friend! I see you'll need a new body to get round the bend. Well, I'm a master of constructing new Portable-Soul-Carriers as we call them in the biz, though I didn't bring any material with me. I could have my bud pick some up, but cellphone's dead, so I'll have to make due with the rubbish we got here..." This was all Iban heard before a weak flash of gray passed before his eyes, and he knew himself no longer.

The voice Iban had heard in his last moments of life-as-he-knew-it was that of Feck, the legendary builder of music and Portable-Soul-Carriers. He had stumbled upon Iban while looking for a Malibu party, and had decided to aid him in his evil purposes since Feck was feeling really down about Debra.

This was the genesis of Morton Man, the new manifestation of Iban Borofunk's harrowing hatred, rancor, and malignancy; latest vessel to his revoltingly evil essence. He was constructed with various rudimentary office supplies: paper clips and those tough notebook covers for limbs, old newspaper for the limbs and body, an empty toilet-paper roll for a head, a corrupted salt shaker to form the torso of that evil creature, and all of it wrapped in duct tape.

This devilish new form had unimaginably greater mathematical skills than Iban, as well as the still charismatic Safety Dance on its side. Not much remained of Iban, however, as this new form was one of pure malice, mathematics, and assimilation. However, Feck once babbled something during a live show about a shred of mercy being left in Morton Man: one last little bit of the Ukrainian from Iban was still present in Morton Man. This terrible reminder of his former self would torment and enrage Morton Man for the entirety of his evil existence.

When the construction was completed, Feck took Iban's soul out of his soul catcher and placed it inside of Morton Man, then put him into his pocket and forgot about the whole thing for a while. Later, somewhere in the Ukrainian district, he had a sudden hankering for nicotine and gravy. He reached into his pockets to see if he had any money, instead finding Morton Man and tossing him to the curb saying, "Gotta give you the devil's haircut, sorry man." Feck found many grime-encrusted objects as well, and assuming they were currency, marched off in search of nicotine and gravy, forgetting about Morton Man once again.

Morton Man waited on the sidewalk of the Ukrainian district for many days before he was discovered by two young Ukrainian orphans. Their names were Pip and Pop, and they were big fans of the Safety Dance. Being enamored by his mystique as well, they picked up Morton Man and strode off with him, unknowingly leaving behind their childhood and innocence forever. From that point on, they were Morton Man's personal assistants, and the first to be assimilated. They did more to usher in an age of darkness than any other agents of his, though did so out of an unfortunate fan boy/fatherly bond with Morton Man.

Morton Man used their ignorance well. He tricked them into plugging him into the Internet, and quickly assimilated all the information on the net. He used this immense knowledge to engineer a multitude of assimilation viruses, which had staggering efficacy. The modern world's dependence on the Internet for entertainment and last-minute research paper references made it all the easier for him. The world fell into his grasp, and the peoples of earth were powerless to stop him. He used his near complete control over the globe to combat Ziggy, who's music was then rated the worst of all time, while Safety Dance was a resounding success in his duct tape regime.

This dark reign lasted for a very long time, until Mer-man's inevitable arrival prophesied in Bowie's apocalyptic single: Starman. Because of Morton Man's sticky grasp on the Internet, he knew the omens well, and studied them for ways to escape his fate. He made but one move: hired Feck to construct the Morton Man mark II Portable-Soul-Carrier-of-Purer-Evil. Feck said of the project that it was mixed bizness, but still did his task and was assimilated as payment, as specified in the shady lawyer deal he signed without reading.

Though he may seem ill-equipped, Morton Man has precisely 5 "aces" up his "sleeve", a carefully calculated number he chose by adding 1 to the base amount of aces in a deck. Though 1 was burned and another is now revealed, he still has 3 tucked away for his abominable purposes that now extend far beyond vengeance against Bowie.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

GREY DAWN ON ETERNIA

The return to Eternia was less cool and smooth than Mer-man would have expected Bowie to deliver. Mer-man decided that Phish was definitely more reliable to give an easy transition. Either way he was no better than a sitting duck to Morton Man mark II's follow-up act after this awkward transport.

They had been plopped down under the peeing fountain in the center of the pools of eternity, and Morton Man had the upper hand in this crazy game of twister. He used some of his excess duct tape to tie Mer-man up quickly, and then escaped from the palace fast as lightning, before the royal guards could stop him.

They unwrapped Mer-man from his sinister wrapping. "Now all the citizens of Atlantea and, indeed the whole of Eternia, are in a sticky situation! There's no time to waste! Follow me you flounders!" (Note: flounder is the term denoting a follower of Mer-man, though nonbelievers usually refer to them as Mermons.) Mer-man and the royal guards swam after Morton Man, though he was already far ahead of them. Mer-man wondered what his enemy's purpose for coming to Eternia was, and what new evil he was scheming.

After a swimming montage they had gained significant water on Morton Man, as Atlanteans were skilled swimmers, and continued to follow his tracks on land. The tracks led into the great crags, a giant desert not far from Atlantea. It would be difficult for them to follow him here, since there was little or no water to refresh them. Nonetheless they pursued this evil entity with Starman on repeat in their ipods, and their hearts.

It was a long, difficult chase, in which many Mermons died from exhaustion and dehydration. They reached the edge of the great crags at last, and found a solitary pool. They used this opportunity to rest briefly and rehydrate. Mer-man could see castle Greyskull in the distance, as well as a sparkling gray fleck just beneath it. They were off to castle Greyskull as soon as possible, and could only hope that Morton Man had not introduced safety dance to the innocent populace. After another montage they arrived at castle Greyskull, and lost their cool at the scene.

Mer-man was terrified at Morton Man mark II's speed of assimilation: castle Greyskull was nearly completely engulfed in duct tape; Orko and the sorceress had been assimilated, and He-man was sitting a little distance away, dramatically gripping his chest. Mer-man said something gargled that only the Mermons could understand, after which they gripped their tridents and surrounded Morton Man and his new minions. Mer-man went over to see if He-man, his old nemesis, was fit to help him fight the new threat of Morton Man.

He-man saw Mer-man approaching, at which he jumped up, with a face contorted by rage and a voice overcome by frenzy: " The audacity of you showing up at my doorstep with your ilk to demand a donation! It was my decree, after Skeletor's defeat, that Mermons couldn't go door to door ever again! I should have killed you and all of your kind!"

Mer-man tried to talk some sense into He-man, but it was useless. He-man went berserk, throwing Mer-man aside and slaying all the Mermons, as well as the assimilated Orko, who failed to save his own life with magic, instead tying his Morton Man brand shoes shoelaces together (these are high priority manufacture goods, as any Mortonian will tell you that they are the penultimate fusion of style, comfort, and efficiency).

Mer-man and Morton Man realized simultaneously that they now had one common and very angry foe: a juicing American. They met up and exchanged brief words on the temporary nature of their alliance, their plan of attack, and the fact that despite their fundamental philosophical differences, both their lives and theories were under immediate threat from He-man. After He-man finished destroying Morton Man's minions and the Mermons, he turned to them and charged, foaming at the mouth.

They were ready to put their plan into action, though with little chance of success as He-man had never been defeated before. When he reached Morton Man, his first target, he was immediately tied up with duct tape. Meanwhile, Mer-man came up from behind and stabbed He-man in the Achilles tendon with his trident. This did not work as planned, seeing as how He-man was not Achilles. Though he was wounded and had limited mobility, he broke free of his binds and tore Morton Man in half with a mighty ponch! Mer-man was beside himself with horror at this spectacle: would this be the end of his long life, and his people? How would his kingdom and Mermonism survive without him lounging above them in his magnificent underwater palace? These questions filled his thoughts as He-man turned around to smite the perceived solicitor.

Mer-man did not receive the expected smiting, however, instead hearing a powerful "eugh" from He-man as he collapsed and was consumed by duct tape. This was the part of the plan Morton Man did not tell him: he used his brand-new special V3.14159 Tendon-assimilator-for-tendons-named-after-vulnerable-ones-of-demigods-in-earth-mythology. It had exceeded specifications, on account of He-man's steroid abuse, and used the steroids as fuel to completely assimilate He-man quicker than X-module matricide matrices.

"Mermonism lives to see another day then," thought Mer-man. But he soon remembered that Morton Man, his great enemy, was still right in front of him and had He-man as his newest minion! He said a few quick prayers to himself, and begged himself for mercy and divine intervention while making a sign of the moss. Once again he did not receive the smiting he expected, so he thanked himself and pledged to live the rest of his life in service to himself as a reformed Mermon.

Morton Man and the assimilated He-man were still right there though, so he repeated these rites many times, and each time he saw they were still in front of him. Mer-man was utterly mystified, so for lack of a better plan he asked why the already repaired Morton Man (duct tape is the only thing needed to repair Morton Man mark II) did not order his new minion to destroy him. Morton Man's response was in the form of a complex chaos algorithm uploaded directly into Mer-man's central cortex, prompting an unsettling realization in Mer-man: he was assimilated!

The complex chaos algorithm graphed for Mer-man the compound interest on his assimilation levels through prolonged exposure to Morton Man's aura of assimilation in base13, of course. Mer-man was frozen by this dreadful revelation: Morton Man's chaos math was capable of modeling the entire scenario from Mer-man's arrival on earth to the end of time, and therefore he was only a single variable who's value had been determined in Morton Man's master plan, and successfully used to balance the equation. Morton Man spoke to him through the transmitter implant Mer-man had unwittingly carried since their first encounter:

"Fool, you can't beat the math! My invention and subsequent mathematical modeling of the Safety Dance is equal to or greater than omnipotence!" Mer-man could never be completely assimilated, however, since he had many followers in a religion of which he was the sole deity, granting him a power equal to or greater than omnipotence as well (according to Morton Man's flawless equation). Morton Man still mocked him for his inability to stop him, calling Mer-man a "tool".

Mer-man was furious, but he worked out all the math in his head and realized that Morton Man was right, especially since he had never done math in his head before, having not gone to school. The radius of his power of resistance was just too far inferior to Morton Man's hypersphere of control. If he tried to fight Morton Man at this point, even with Starman, he would be brushed aside like a stray hair. Mer-man could do nothing but frown with disapproval while all of Eternia was assimilated, one Achilles tendon at a time.

Before his enemy had got far with this precise business, Mer-man accessed crucial data from the central hub to which he was now connected: Morton Man mark II was constructed by Feck! Morton Man's own algorithms were working against him now, while Mer-man formulated a plan in 31x10^-415926535 nanoseconds in base 12. Morton Man would soon be reduced to a variable himself, and humbled in all dimensions of his being!

Mer-man gurgled at him feverishly, "This is a real ramshackle golden age you got here! Face it man, it's a lost cause: you'll always give the world 100% effort and get 99.99999999994% rewards! There'll always be a new pollution, and like a gamma ray your mixed bizness is gonna get a devil's haircut! You're a loser baby!"

Morton Man was overwhelmed by the incredible logic this argument conveyed to him, despite its non mathematical terms. There was a sea change coming, and he could see it cresting the metaphorical horizon. He had never thought of such metaphors before, and was cringing in terror at its unknown deep meaning.

Morton Man's assimilation technology was fundamentally flawed because all functions were actually performed in base Feck, meaning they had a slight discrepancy and were therefore not mathematically perfect. Mer-man had calculated the fatal flaw flawlessly, and now the very foundations of Morton Man was shaken in every dimension. This was the dawn of a new era, perhaps free of Mortonian principles, but who can say?


End file.
